When I went on sick leave at the end of July, I didn’t really know what was wrong.
I just knew that I didn’t feel well.
I was tired, struggling to concentrate, anxiety, having panic attacks, not feeling like myself, and generally felt like something was not right. So I decided to take some time off to stop pushing through everything and try to understand what was actually going on.
And we did find severe sleep apnea. Apparently, my nights have been a lot more difficult than I realised. My breathing stops and struggles over and over again while I’m asleep, and my oxygen levels can drop quite low. No wonder I haven’t been feeling like myself.
Today I finnaly got the e-mail and I have to go and pick up my CPAP machine.
You would think that finally having an explanation would make everything easier. In some ways, it does. But there is another strange part of being on sick leave for so long.
I still feel guilty.
The thought keeps coming back: Am I really that sick that I can’t work? Maybe I should just go back.
There are days when I can cook, go for a walk or get things done around the house, and my brain immediately says, See? You’re fine.
But I took this time off because I knew something wasn’t right. Now we have an answer, and I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t have to rush back just because I have diagnoses.
Maybe I actually need this time to recover.
I’m still learning how to do that without feeling guilty.
Ilze
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The feeling so guilty about it might be a “woman thing”. What would you say to a good friend going through the same thing? Hugs.
I’m not sure what I would say. Maybe two month ago (when it’s started) I would say – don’t worry, take your time. Then after a moth I would worry and still saying – take your time… now it might be – are you ok? do you need help? this doesn’t sound good…
It’s good that you are taking time to figure out what’s best for you. I still have a little plaque my mother gave me a very long time ago. She recognized that I was on overload and thought of me when she bought the plaque for me. It says on it, under a picture of a little girl in a garden, “Take time for you.”
Thank you. Sometimes I think it’s all I’m doing – taking time…. not action…
I completely agree with the two comments above. We’re conditioned to think that we are only of value when we are productive (aka working) – and apnea is one of those invisible illnesses that few people realise can really pull you down. Jordan Peterson said “Treat yourself as someone you care about.” Best advice I’ve heard for a long time.
That is advice I’m trying to give myself every day… BUT when it’s LONG sick leave… you start to think – maybe I can do better, more, faster… etc..
Sending you a big hug xx
Thank you! I wish we had chatted over coffee 🙂 Blog is fine, but sometimes I want more communication 🙂
A CPAP machine should help you very much, Ilze, I have been wearing one every night since 2011 and I have maybe two events per night. I hope you can get the machine!
I’m driving today to collect mine.. and once it’s home – I hope I’ll be in better shape! It felt like “unfinished business” with all the paper work and waiting. I hope to share more on this, cause BELIEVE ME – Latvians don’t know what is sleep apnea!!!! Maybe few heard, but I think none is thinking about having a test.
If we talk money – the test part is not covered by any insurance…. so it’s around 500 euros + time and travel expanse. Keep in mind our minimum wage in country is 660 euro (after tax)…
Good morning Ilze. Hope you get to feeling better! Wanted to let you know I’ve emailed the pizza dough recipe finally. Hopefully it doesn’t end up in your junk folder. Thanks 🙂
I have it!
I love it! I have collection of digital recipe cards and I’m happy to add yours to the folder.
I will take time and try it! THANK YOU!
If you have any other recipe you want to share, you can email me 🙂
Awesome! I hope you will like it!
I absolutely will do that 🙂
Hoping you get adjusted to the CPAP easily and you are feeling great very soon. Hugs
Thank you 🙂 I hope so too!
No quilt, it is what it is. That’s much harder than it sounds. I’m so glad you know. The difference in my husband’s sleep improved right away. 🙂
Sleep is so important… that explains a lot 🙂
Hope you feel better after starting the treatment and you can regain your energy.
That is something I’m looking forward to! I have problems adapting to masks, pressure, and the sound of machine… I’m a light sleeper… so I guess it will take some time 🙂
Before you think about going back to work, think about whether the company management would tell you to take your time. If they would they care and trust you, so take your time. If the would want to rush you back, take your time – thy have just shown they don’t care about you and don’t trust you to be realistically loyal to them, so why would you treat them better than they would treat you?
Just after I handed in my retirement notice the smaller Government department I worked for here in New Zealand announced a restructure with the guarantee of no redundancies and numbers dropping by attrition, because they had a loyal workforce who were already short-handed. The promised a full report on the detail in 4 weeks. The final report arrived at 4:45 on Friday afternoon five (not four) weeks later and showed 10% of staff were being made redundant, of which only ONE was at management level.
Staff loyalty was severely damaged and a number of experienced staff subsequently resigned just as they came into the pre-Christmas busy period, leading to poor Departmental performance being reported in the news and questions from the Minister. I was glad to have retired and just be watching the situation.
By the way, beautiful photos again. The inspire me to improve my photography.