It’s been a strange week.
Coming back to work after being away for a month sounds simple in theory — you just open your laptop and continue where you left off. But that’s not how it feels. It’s more like stepping into a moving train, trying to find your balance while everything is already in motion.
I was on sick leave, and now I’m back. Back to messages, back to problems, back to people needing answers.
I work in IT, in client support. Which, in simple terms, means helping clients (mostly managers of some sort) solve their business problems using reports. I won’t go into details — not because I don’t want to share, but because it’s the kind of work that’s hard to explain without getting lost in it.
What matters is that it’s demanding.
And the hardest part? I’ve been there for three years, and I still feel like I’m not as good as the others.
They seem like wunderkinds. Or maybe workaholics. Or maybe just… deeply into IT and OLAPs. The kind of people who read IT news in their free time, who enjoy diving deeper after work hours. That’s not me. Sometimes I talk with Jānis about things, but not because I’m obsessed with IT. My mind goes elsewhere — to the garden, to writing, to small everyday things that make life feel softer.
Here is my last youtube video:
And so this week felt heavy already.
Then I called my mom to congratulate her on her name-day, and in that conversation, everything shifted a little. She told me my cousin had called — his mom, Velta, had passed away. The funeral is on Saturday.
Latvian funerals… they are not quiet, distant events. They are close, real, open. Open casket, long goodbyes, people gathering not just to mourn, but to remember fully.
Velta was dear to me. And I can’t go. It’s heavy.
The reason I was on sick leave wasn’t something visible. It was nerves. The kind that don’t just go away because you tell them to. The kind that makes even everyday things feel like climbing a hill. I take pills to just to get through normal days. Which sounds ironic — because from the outside, it might look like I’ve been “resting.”
But this isn’t rest.
I know people say — relax more, slow down, disconnect. I feel like I already do all that. I’m not chasing news, I’m not filling my head with everything happening in the world. And still, somehow, it all seeps in.
Sometimes I think I was made for a quieter time. And now I sit here, writing this. Not because it solves anything. Not because it changes anything. Just… to put it somewhere outside of myself.
Maybe it doesn’t matter. But it feels a little lighter once it’s said.
I
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a day in the life of a latvian mom 
Its good to get the lead out, just say it out loud on paper or by voice. Please, don’t compare yourself to others in any instance, Ilze. Have a realaxed weekend! ☺️
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Thank you, John! It’s the main problem – comparing 🙂
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I do know what you mean, ilze, maybe its my age but I stopped doing that a long time ago. Ilze is number one, you matter most as does your family. ❤️
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Thank you, John!
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You’re welcome Ilze. ☺️
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I’m sorry for your loss of your aunt, Ilze, and for all the heaviness. I pray you will find joy in the quiet and beautiful things that surround you. You seem like a kind, strong and capable woman with so many interests! I’ll bet your coworkers would be stunned to know you compare yourself unfavorably to them.
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Oh, thank you, Jean! This is why I write about it all. I don’t want to write about it…. There are more, but I think that my blog should reflect me… but also inspire me… so I try doing things that I like… even when I don’t want to do anything…
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Ilze dearHeart – you are an intelligent woman – you know what you need better than anyone else. I think it may have helped to put your feelings down into the ether . . . now slowly do what your mind and heart tell you to do is right for you at the moment to feel more comfortable. Don’t think back, don’t plan forwards – just try to make each day as acceptable for you as you can – it is YOUR life! Big hugs >>>
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Thank you! I know, I know.. it’s my life! I want to live it.. part of me says – it’s such a good job, and it’s not like I don’t like doing it.. I’m just not that good at it to feel “nice about it”… other half says – do something else… But we live in material world…
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Ilze – try to look at things in another way – if you were not ‘good at it’ – they would have asked you to leave, wouldn’t they? So, you must be a bit hard on yourself! But – work to the best of your ability at what you are doing at the moment – at the same time keeping your eyes quietly open at other opportunities – the incoming money is important but so is your long-term mental and thus physical health. There does not seem to be a mad hurry >>> go on some long walks and think ‘both ways’ and DO have a happy Easter with your family!
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Thank you, Happy Easter to you as well!
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Oh my days you have been having a hard time. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your posts are so lovely, Hugs.
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Thank you! I need to change how I feel about it all! Cause s££*t happens and all I can change is how i react/feel about it… hard work!
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acknowledge the feelings. don’t rush for solutions. that’s what we could do. give a smile to yourself please. no matter what.
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