Today is officially the last day of my sick leave.
And honestly? I’m not sure anymore what the point of it was.
The idea was supposed to be simple: take some time for myself. Rest. Slow down. Let my body and mind recover. Wait for the “pills to start working.” Try to find some kind of balance again.
It sounded reasonable.
But somehow, instead of feeling rested, I mostly feel guilty.
Guilty when I’m not doing anything.
Guilty when I sleep.
Guilty when I spend time on something completely unnecessary, like sorting seeds or playing with my coloured pencils.
Guilty when I think about work.
Guilty when I don’t think about work.
It’s almost as if I took time off, but forgot to give myself permission to actually use that time.
I thought sick leave would feel like stepping out of the rushing river for a while.
Instead, I’m standing on the riverbank, feeling guilty for not swimming.
And maybe that is the actual thing I’m supposed to learn.
Rest isn’t supposed to be productive.
I don’t have to come back from sick leave with a list of accomplishments. I don’t have to have everything figured out. I don’t have to emerge as a completely balanced, healthier, happier version of myself.
Maybe the purpose was simply to stop.
To notice how tired I actually am.
To give the medication time to do whatever it is supposed to do.
To breathe.
To find out what is left when I’m not constantly trying to keep everything running.
I wish I could say I’ve found the balance.
I haven’t. Sad.
Mostly, I’ve found guilt.
But perhaps that’s a starting point too.
Ilze
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Ilze – You have enunciated your feelings . . . now read them and read them again > with your intelligence and abilities you know that what you feel may be true enough in your feeling-world but it is not logical . . . you do not have one single thing about which to feel guilt – you should feel proud and able that you have seen a problem and are doing something about it . . . Rome was not built in a day . . . go slowly and believe in yourself . . . think with you have already accomplished in your life . . . tomorrow take another step and the next day two . . . you will get there . . . think of all the things you have done . . . stop analyzing and keep on doing . . .
I totally agree with Eha. You are amazing. Love yourself, just as you are!
❤️🩹
Guilt is easy to carry around. I often feel guilty for not being able to do more around the house. I have to remeember my vows, in sickness & health. My husband never makes me feel guilty or complains, it’s me who puts it on me. I have to tell myself everyday that I have nothing to be guilty of and focus on the positive. Balance is a learning process, take baby steps.